we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
