Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
