Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
They took my balls.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize