I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
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