I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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