I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize