So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
