a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
