Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
