He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
