after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
