I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
