I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
