Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
