Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize