Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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