you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
