God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
