I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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