once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
