they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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