Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
