that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
