someone get that fucking seahorse.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
