he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
