Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I could make wine with my vomit
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
