Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
where are you?
Hypothermia
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
