She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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