At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
