This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
