im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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