Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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