you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
