I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
