the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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