So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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