...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
