Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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