do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize