I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
