Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
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