I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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