thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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