Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
