TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
