alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
