Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just pee around me
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
