Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
