Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
