I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
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