This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize