My brain says no but my pants say off.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
