Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize