OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize