And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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