I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
