Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
